Henry at Christmas

Henry at Christmas


Every autistic child is so different and some of the techniques work with some and not with others.  Henry loves to read and loves to put on shows.  Right now he’s heavily addicted to David Letterman and Paul Schaffer – he Tivo’s them and watches the opening entrance over and over again.  

Whenever we want to change a behavior of Henry’s or communicate important information to him we write him a letter.  Some kids work for rewards like candy pieces or toys or computer time.  Henry works for relationship.  If you think he’s terrific and praise him and honestly love him, he’ll work at whatever it is you ask.  

I’ve always thought that Henry’s got it all goin’ on inside and his autism is in expression.  His language is very delayed and he has a hard time forming a sentence.  His handwriting is awful and he hates to color or draw.  He can type information on a computer but his sentences are wonky – verbs and nouns and pronouns and articles are wherever he wants them to be.  But he’s been able to read since he was 2 ½, 3 years old.  

So we write letters.  When he was little, we hand wrote in colored pencils or crayon, always full of emotion:
Dear Henry!
Mommy loves you!!! You are great!!!!!
Today we are going to Dr. Sag’s office for a check up.  
You will do great!!!!
Awesome!!!
love , MOMMY!  

He read those letters and then off we went and no tears or tantrums.  Today, at 9 years old, his letters are typed on the computer and recently I bought a pocket calendar and simply put the events and times down for the day.  

He also loves to hear from adults. He loves his teachers and he loves his grandparents and the Pastors at our church.  He’ll do anything for the approval of an authority figure.  We did the toilet training in a day book, starting when he was 4 years old.  We did that over 3 days with help from a CARD associate.  Serena Samar. How we loved her.  She came to our house and worked with us for the weekend and after those 3 days, he was mostly toilet trained.  He still had tons of accidents but he wasn’t wearing pull-ups to school.  Don’t get your hopes up too high Moms, he’s still wearing pull-ups at night and this week he accomplished the goal of standing up to urinate.  So that’s…5 years of toilet training.  Yea!  But it was what moved us forward.
One of the things Serena had us do was have people write him letters that we hung on the walls of the bathroom.   My dad and our senior pastor wrote very excellent and formal letters congratulating him his great work.  This meant so, so much to him.  He kept those letters for a long time.  
Miss Stacy made a mirror and on the back in puff paint it said, “Who is working hard?  Look on the front to see…”  And around the rim of the mirror on the front it said: AWESOME HENRY.  Another huge tool.  He carried this mirror with him until he took it into the bath tub about 2 months ago and all the letters fell off.  We still use that phrase – who is working hard?  Awesome Henry!  And as a special reward to Miss Stacy, whenever Henry goes to her house, he runs to the bathroom, uses it, and calls her to show her what he’s done.  Nice.  We’ll need to stop that soon I think!  

All this to say, that words and emotions are a powerful way to reach him.  Letters from authority figures mean a lot.  For the holidays, when things are out of whack and schedules are different, we simply write a letter explaining the day.  As soon as it is on paper, he’s settled.  

With this recent bout of mouthing off at his teacher, I took the letter a step farther.  I created a chart with:
Unacceptable Behavior
Acceptable Behavior
Good Behavior
Then I put the contrasting behavior like:
Unacceptable Behavior  -- Talking back to teachers
Acceptable Behavior – Listening and Obeying
Good Behavior – Saying, “Yes!”

Unacceptable Behavior  -- Tantrums and pouting
Acceptable Behavior – Jumping in the bean bag
Good Behavior – Saying, “I’m frustrated and I need help.”

I sent in stickers and said that he could put stickers on the Acceptable and Good behaviors when he did them instead of the Unacceptable behaviors.  This really works for some kids – having some sort of follow through.  Not Henry.  Once he reads it, it’s a done deal.  He’s doing much better in school.  Quite a gem that one.


Christmas Cookies
Here’s a great recipe by Lisa Foland from Miss Roben’s
That was under the heading Cereal Bar.  It is the most mild and lovely cookie, that I use it for sugar cookies.  You can pat it into a roll, wrap it in tinfoil and freeze it and then do slice & bake cookies.  Or you can roll it out and use cookie cutters.

The GFCF flour mix that I use is one I adapted from Bette (the Gluten Free Gourmet) Hagman’sbean flour mix.  Henry was allergic to cornstarch and to Sorghum Flour for a while there, so I made up my own mix and I like it better than all the others I’ve tasted.  I use this mix to back cookies, muffins, and waffles.  I also use it as the breading for chicken nuggets.  It’s easy and cheap!
1 part Garbanzo Flour
1 part White Rice Flour
1 part Tapioca Flour

That’s it!  How easy is that?  Well, for you wheat eaters, you probably think it’s totally crazy, but for those of us scouring the aisles of the Health Food store, this is way cool.

So Xmas cookies:
2 ½ Cups GFCF flour mix
2 tsp xanthan gum
1 Cup Sugar
1 Cup Crisco or shortening
1 large egg
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp juice (I use the left over juice from a can of pears, since he doesn’t drink juice)
1 TBsp Vanilla (Frontier alcohol free vanilla)

Cream sugar, shortening & egg.  Add dry ingredients.  Add juice & Vanilla.  No really that’s it.
Bake in a 425 degree oven for 6 – 10 minutes.  

After they cool, I do let him ice them and put on colored sugar décor.  And yes, even though he’s got some issues with corn, I use regular powdered sugar and damn the torpedoes.  It’s once a year people!  

Here’s the GFCF icing recipe from adapted from Lisa Lewis,

1 Cup shortening
1 LB Confectioner’s sugar
1 teaspoon Frontier alcohol free Vanilla
2 TBsp Pacific Rice Milk, Vanilla flavored.

Mix with a beater until fabulously delicious.  

I know it seems hard when you are just starting out.  I stood over loaves of horrible bread and cried for a year.  But then I got my groove on.  I figured out what he’d eat (he only eats PBJ, so banana bread was what I made until I found Deland Bakery’s Millet Special Bread at Whole Foods in Winter Park) and stuck to those favorites.  Now it’s old hat.  I just do it.  Every morning I make him a waffle.  Once a week I make nuggets. When I feel like it I make blueberry mini-muffins. On special occasions I make chocolate cake, ginger snaps or these sugar cookies.  

Enjoy it.  I don’t know how Henry will contribute to society but he’s an amazing person.  It’s too bad for most of the world that they get uncomfortable around people who flap their hands and make funny noises and eat weird food.  He is interesting, tells great jokes and loves deeply and well.  

Hang in there Moms.  You’re doing great.  They will be okay.  

Emily Monday

For Barb, who is on a blogging hiatus.  

The Savior Must
Have Been A Docile Gentleman

The Savior must have been
A docile Gentleman –
To come so far so cold a Day
For little Fellowmen –

The Road to Bethlehem
Since He and I were Boys
Was leveled, but for that ’twould be
A rugged billion Miles –

Emily Dickinson

General Blather

Well, thank God for Clare & Stacy & your commenting that keeps me feeling loved and enjoyed. Such a gaping lack in my life right now!

Saw Vrain before church and tried to coax him away from leading worship so we could talk about Walk the Line. Glad he led worship and glad we went to the service. The mighty and humble Steve Brown preached an excellent sermon. Go to Northland church to see the title! It may be that by next week they'll post the sermon audio under the Worship button. Listen to him. He's durn smart.

I have been thinking this week that the Lord may want me to ask for more. I have been living an amazing life of overcoming -- mostly overcoming lousy circumstances. It occured to me that God may have more than spiritual gifts in the midst of crappy life. I thought of David this week -- after David sinned with Bathsheba the Lord spoke to David: "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. 8 I gave your master's house to you, and your master's wives into your arms. I gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more."

This is the character of our God. I would have given you even more.
The week after bankruptcy, our car was totaled when a kid ran a red light. I'm working 3 jobs and I'm caring for Henry.
I want more from YOU.
I want what You want to give.
I want what you have for me.
I so appreciate being able to overcome in lousy circumstances. I have so loved developing my character and seeing who I really am.
I am grateful for the gift of suffering and seeing Your faithfulness in my pain.
I love seeing Your power in and through my daily life.
And I want a job that pays well and uses me fully and that I love.
I want a miraculous car and to build my savings and to have a retirement.
I want to not worry about Henry and who will care for him when I'm dead.

Basically, that's what I heard Steve Brown preach. Ask for good stuff and then enjoy it.
So there's my thankful list! Thanks to Janet.

A Christmas Hymn

A Christmas Hymn
by Richard Wilbur

A stable-lamp is lighted
Whose glow shall wake the sky;
The stars shall bend their voices,
And every stone shall cry.
And every stone shall cry,
And straw like gold shall shine;
A barn shall harbor heaven,
A stall become a shrine.


This child through David’s city
Shall ride in triumph by;
The palm shall strew its branches,
And every stone shall cry.
And every stone shall cry,
Though heavy, dull, and dumb,
And lie within the roadway
To pave his kingdom come.


Yet he shall be forsaken,
And yielded up to die;
The sky shall groan and darken,
And every stone shall cry.
And every stone shall cry
For stony hearts of men:
God’s blood upon the spearhead,
God’s love refused again.


But now, as at the ending,
The low is lifted high;
The stars shall bend their voices,
And every stone shall cry.
And every stone shall cry
In praises of the child
By whose descent among us
The worlds are reconciled.  

This is possibly my favorite poem on Christmas, certainly among the most stirring thoughts about Advent and His Kingdom to come.
Read it out loud--  it will ring.
Then read these words from John chapter 1:
1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was with God in the beginning.
 3Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 5The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood[a] it.
14The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,[d] who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Advent!

Advent is here!  For those of you that were not raised in a traditional church, Advent begins four Sundays before Christmas Eve.  This is one of my favorite seasons of the year, even more so than Christmas.  I write stuff about the power of Advent all the time and lucky you!  I’m going to pour it all out.  

The sacrifice of Christ’s birth is more astounding to me than the sacrifice of his death.  I have such a time wrapping my mind around the idea that Christ, the Word of God, limited himself.  Poured Himself into a baby, allowed Himself to learn to walk and talk and eat.  In no way do I want to diminish the sacrifice of Christ on the Cross.  I only want to think on how that sacrifice began when He left His father and confined Himself in the frame of an infant.

“How proper it is that Christmas should follow Advent.  For him who looks toward the future, the manger is situated on Golgotha, and the cross has already been raised in Bethlehem.”    Dag Hammerskjold.

Advent is a season in the Episcopal Church that has as much weight as Lent, a time to contemplate the deeper things of life, death, and eternity. In the early church Advent was actually used to prepare new believers for Epiphany -- the first week of the New Year was a time to celebrate John the Baptist and the Magi by baptizing new Christians.  Preparing for baptism made Advent kin to Lent, a time for meditation and repentance.  By the time Advent refocused its goal as Christmas Eve, the traditions of repenting fasting and praying were well entrenched.  Advent thus became a time to prepare for the Second Coming of Christ, as we celebrate His first coming as a baby.  

When we celebrate Christmas we are hearkening not only to the past but also to our present and to the future.  The Christ Child was born, Christ reigns in us today, and Christ will come again.  Advent reminds us that God prepared his people for the Messiah once and He is preparing us for His Advent again.  The church through the ages used the Advent season as a time to prepare for Christ’s Second Coming, an event more joyful, more glorious than our Christmas celebrations can imagine.
Madeleine L’Engle’s words “The birth of Christ makes the death of Christ inevitable”, move me very much.  This is why Advent serves the dual purpose of celebrating Christ’s birth and preparing for His return.  We do not need to prepare for Christ’s birth at Christmas --  He will not be born again as a baby.  The good news is that He will be born again in the hearts of those who will receive Him.  And He will return in glory and all the earth will see it.  
I love Advent and the time to prepare for the Advent of our Lord as King, when He will reign upon the earth.  Throughout the Advent season I’ll publish devotions and quotes, poems and Hymns, along with gluten/casein free recipes for Christmas!  What could be more fun?

Helen Smetheram, my sister, had her launch party for the CD she recorded with The Platters! My parents and my brother Charles attended the party in Boston and it was a big hit. The CD is beautiful and the proceeds go to Hurricane Katrina survivors.
The fun for us is that they billed Helen as my stage name, Fairfax, and then they included her actual name, Smetheram. It was fun to see my family name Smetheram, on an album and of course hilarious that the Platter's producer thougt Fairfax was a good stage name for my sister, Helen.

Click on this link to get a look at the Cd and soon they'll have a link so you can hear Helen singing.

More line walking

I continue to download from Walk the Line…  I want to watch it everyday!  I imagine that it will become one of my classic watches, along with The Two Towers, Defending Your Life, Something’s Gotta Give, and You’ve Got Mail.  
One of you, oh that’d be you, Clare, need to tell me what the running theme is going through that odd group of movies.  How cool would it be to hear from people I don’t know about what my theme is?  I loved hearing Clare’s thoughts on the theme of Walk the Line.  Fantastic.  
And I loved hearing about the Meme Karma from A.Patton, whom I do not know.  Jan the Maven shares her list of 50 things she’s thankful for this year.  Apparently this is a monthly exercise she does, writing a list of 100 things to be thankful for.  I think this is something Barb’s confessional list should do as well – our list of what we’re grateful for will balance out our confessions.  I love that Jan does this once month – it’s like a tithe.  First thing, skim off the cream and give that back to the Lord.  I can’t tell you how my life falls into place when I’m faithful in my tithe; sounds much the same for Jan and the thankfulness list.  So instead of meme-ing people to confess, I meme back at Barb et.al. to give thanks!

Walking the Line
During my pre-marital counseling my pastor, the wonderful John Christiansen of Orlando Community Church, advised me to beware of “the hard edge” --  his modern application of the curse given to us gals.  Yes, I’m sure he gave advice to the groom; I just can’t remember it because “the hard edge” was so powerful.   In Genesis 3:16 Eve’s curse is “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."   John warned me that this ‘desiring for him’ can turn into a hard edge of bitterness.  What I understood barely then, and what I’ve noticed throughout, is that my image of what the husband should be, colors what he actually is.  When he does not give what I desire, a pearl of bitterness drops onto the seed necklace I wear at all times.  The only way that bitterness goes away, is if I remove the seed myself.  It NEVER goes away because the husband counteracts his undesirable behavior with desirable behavior.  Here’s why – the husband’s desirable behavior is in my image.  It’s what I deem good.  And usually has zero to do with what God is giving, what God deems good, and what Tim has to offer.  It’s based on the image in my head of what the perfect husband is like.  

Here’s an example.  I drive 25 miles to and from work everyday.  The other morning Tim let me sleep in, after my 11pm – 3am rehearsal, and he took our son to school.  He drove 2.3 miles to Henry’s school.  I’d moved the front seat of the car back from the steering wheel because I am 5’4” and Tim is 6’2”.  In the 2.3 miles, he readjusted the lumbar back support and the side view mirrors.  To drive 2 miles!!!!! I get in the car and as I’m driving realize, something feels funny, oh, it’s my back.  This makes me bitter.  Because the movie version of the husband would not only take our child to school he’d sacrifice his comfort for 2.3 miles for my comfort.  He’d also bring me coffee and do the laundry and kiss me passionately when I leave for work.  

I mention this innocuous example because I’m fairly sure that most people do not have the types of marriages that Johnny Cash had with Vivian and with June Carter.  He had big problems and it was easy for Vivian to develop her hard edge.  I tend to think, though, that most of us are susceptible to that kind of bitterness, where each action of the husband is proof of his undesirability, and thus the husband rules over us.  

My marriage has enjoyed pretty huge problems but my theory doesn’t come from the huge problems, it comes from the little ones.  Because I can grow a hard edge from a coffee cup left on the table as easily as I do from the big betrayals.  Through the many separations with my husband part of the reason I continue to reunite with him is that I’m convinced, for my part, that a different husband would not alleviate the problem of the hard edge.  When we met, Tim was not diagnosed as bi-polar and was thus not medicated.  Our wedding was beautiful and he remembers that day, the days previous to it and following it are a manic blur to him.  He called his girlfriend from our honeymoon and asked her what had happened.  So John’s pastoral advice has been just as potent as I faced the big hurts as it is when I get in my car with lumbar support set to a 6’2” man.  

Vivian & June

Now, I don’t know anything about the real Vivian Cash, and I’m sure her story is a good one.  Because she’s human and our stories are worth hearing – if I ever write my Travelling Mercies style memoir, it will be a good story.  Even if I never write it or no one ever hears my story, it’s a valuable story just as Vivian’s real story is.  For now though, I was extremely affected by the character in Walk the Line and what she symbolizes for me.  In Mark Joseph’s article he complained that Vivian was portrayed as a poor match to Johnny.  Just didn’t see that at all.  Johnny was portrayed as obsessive – if I just get married, that will save me, if I just get June, that will save me, on & on.  I certainly have experienced that.  And I’ve reacted as both June & Vivian do in this movie; on occasion I’ve been the good Christian woman that reaches out a saving hand, and on others I’ve been the disgusted put-upon wife who had nothing but barbs to give.  

One of the many reasons this movie affected me is that I saw myself onscreen.  It’s also why Mark Joseph’s article bugged me so much – I did not see this movie portraying June as the savior of Johnny’s life.  She was a good Christian woman who struggled and worked to overcome.  She relied on Christ and He continued to provide her to grace to deal with a flawed man, who by the way continued to be a poor husband to her, just as he’d been to Vivian, continuing his struggle with drugs.  The difference was not that June was better matched or that Vivian was a bad woman and June a good one.  The difference for me, was the same difference I see in myself, when I’m Vivian, I hold on to the bitter and throw it in his face, as in the scene when Vivian is just done, and they are moving into a big house, and she accosts Johnny with the truth, “I want what you promised me.”  True!  He promised her and he did not deliver.  She is right to hold him to it.  

Oh, but his answer, what if I can’t be what I promised, give what I promise?  Here’s the moment for the choice.  Will I let go of the seed of bitterness or will I desire after him and let him rule over me?  There is nothing more beautiful to me than this answer.  In my sinful nature, I want what I want.  I want what’s promised me.  I want the husband that I want.  But the grace of Christ, the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit cries out in me!  Do you hear that?  He just confessed his humanity!  That’s more valuable than a man who tries to be something he simply can’t be.  Even a man without drug addiction or bi-polar can’t be what he promises.  He doesn’t have that ability.  He’s human and flawed and weak.  The man I want is one who says, I want to be what I promised and what if I can’t, will you love me anyway?

The scene in Folsom Prison when June is looking at him, how Christ like is that moment?!  Come on, is that what June Carter, of the Carter family singers, really envisioned for her life?  Did she really want to be twice divorced, watching her husband to be, who’d betrayed his first wife, sing gritty songs to murderers and rapists?  No, she didn’t want that.  But she said yes.  She said yes to her own frailties and yes to Johnny’s and a Holy Yes to Christ’s perfecting work in all of us.  

That is the my dream for my life -- for someone to say yes, to my being frail and weak, as much as they say yes to my strength.  I am a strong Christian woman, who wrote a book about Jesus while helping her husband recover from brain surgery and learning to cook gluten-free/casein-free for her newly diagnosed autistic son.  I worked two jobs, and reached the hand of faith down to my husband who was beaten low.  But here’s the thing that I’m sure June Carter knew, that those who saw her as the saint and him the sinner didn’t know but I hope see now through this movie – those of us in the Saint role are being saved as we reach to those in the Sinner role.  That’s what I experienced in Walk the Line.  For all my saintliness, there was plenty of cursing, screaming, book throwing, door slamming, affair wanting, behavior.  I’m a flawed saint and he was a faith-reaching sinner.

One of my favorite Christian moments in this movie is seeing Mama Carter, with her shotgun, standing in front of Johnny’s house, shoving the drug dealer back.  Talk about Onward Christian Soldier!  She laid down her life, and that of her grandbabies and her daughter for this mess of a man.  Johnny didn’t deserve that – he’d ruined one marriage, was a drug addict who could clearly ruin the life of her daughter June but there she is in her pressed house dress, guarding his life.  Sacrificial living.  Go see the movie.  

Walk the Line

Walk the Line – it’s a story, remember?

See, films are not historical documents.  Run out and rent the movie GalaxyQuest for a fun reminder of the difference between stories and history.  

I just had the most amazing experience at the movies with the film, Walk the Line.  What a beautiful and engrossing STORY.  After seeing this WORK OF ART, and having a huge experience with my Lord, I read an article by Mark Joseph from Beliefnet who criticized the MOVIE because it does not depict with historical accuracy, Johnny Cash’s relationship with Christ.

Walk the Line is a love story.  You know how you can tell?  The title.  It’s from Cash’s song, Walk the Line in which the lyrics are “Because you’re mine, I walk the line.”  See, this movie is a story, and it is a love story about Johnny’s love for June.  

If this MOVIE was going to be the STORY of Johnny’s faith, it would have been titled something like Will the Circle be Unbroken? Or By and by, Lord.  

But it wasn’t.  Because it wasn’t the story of his love for Jesus.  

If the story had been about Johnny’s drug addiction or his rise to fame, the movie might have been titled, Burning Ring of Fire.  

But it wasn’t.  Because the story wasn’t about his drug addiction or his rise to fame.

In telling the story of Johnny’s love for June Carter, many other aspects of his life were included – his love for God, the loss of his brother, his terrible husbanding to Vivian, Vivien’s bitterness, his drug addiction, his rise to fame, his relationship with his father, June’s relationship to her family, her faith, her failures.  All included; none the theme of THIS MOVIE.

If you want to TELL A STORY, you must choose a theme.  By all means, tell the story about Johnny’s love for Jesus.  That’d be a great story.  You’d have to leave out many other things in his life because STORIES are not HISTORICAL RENDERINGS.  They are not Biography.  Especially a story told in CINEMATIC FORMAT.  You only get 2 hours.  If you’re lucky 3, but many people should just stop that right now.  Because we can take a 2 hour story on film, not much more.  

After seeing this movie, I want to read Johnny Cash’s autobiography.  I want to listen to his music.  I want to see a documentary about him.  I want to see interviews with him.  

But mostly I want to praise God, for using a story to show me a real sinner who reached for faith.  I want to thank God for showing me a woman, who was labeled a ‘Good Christian Woman’ who failed miserably, who struggled with her sin, and who followed God.  

The presence of Christian symbols and the revealing of faith are so present throughout the story of Walk the Line that I am saddened for people who miss out on that experience.  The film form is an art form, not an information delivery system.  

Having been in a marriage much like both Johnny & Vivian’s and Johnny & June’s (with the same man)  I can hardly wait to talk, tomorrow, about how the movie spoke to me personally and how inspired I am in God’s continuing work in my life and marriage.  

But first it seemed important to mention that what moved me was a story, a movie.  I see Jesus in almost all the stories I read or see, even when the author doesn’t know it.  I’m sure I’ll be moved by Johnny Cash’s autobiography.  Today, though, I’m inspired by a film.  

I confess too

Barb asked a group of us to meme confess.  First I’ll confess to looking up meme online and all the pages came up in French!  But of course, I will confess moi même.  

So here goes:

I confess to wanting to get a cat, name it a French name and only speak French to it.

I confess to loving being fat and if it weren’t for the poor quality clothes in size 18, I’d stay right here.  

I confess to not reading any Narnia books until I heard the movies were coming out.  

I confess to getting tired of having so many people look at me all the time when I’m working full-time as an actress.

I confess to getting really distraught, when I’m working as a writer, that hardly anyone looks at me.  

I confess to having a teenage crush on Goran Visnic, when I was in my 30’s.  

I confess to thinking that someday I’ll be wealthy enough to travel yearly to Europe, and when I go to Copenhagen I’ll stay in the feather beds at the Admiralty Hotel.  

I confess, that like Barb, I don’t know what I’m thinking until I hear myself saying it, additionally I confess that I’ve turned that into one of my finest features and I let everyone around me know that this is how it works and that they need to love that about me as much as I do.  

I confess to hating getting massages and haircuts.  

I confess to thinking that autism is a much easier cross to bear than say, the teenage years of neurotypic kids.  

I confess that my default career, when I start to doubt God that He’ll provide for me, is going to seminary and becoming an Anglican priest, which I could never do because I really believe the Bible is correct, women should not be priests.  

I confess to watching The Love Boat every Saturday night when I babysat and that I can still sing the theme song.  

The Holy Trinity

Clearly Clare is working on a very serious writing project because she spent the day submitting pictures of three old ladies to me and Barb! My plan for our retirement is that we live in some great little town where we walk to the market arm in arm, that is when we are not travelling the globe, giving speeches on the fabulous lives we led in our youth.
Here are my three favorite pictures. Vote for yours!

More acting

Had I only known that Barb was reading I'd of backed off the LOTR commentary, or probably not. Good friends need something to disagree about right? Transubstantiation, Viggo Moretenson's hair, tiny things like that... So here's my LOTR post for the day.

I love watching the detail used in film acting.  When you perform, as I do, many times a day, detail is not really possible.  Enaging the audience where they are is important and consistency is vital.  You must protect yourself by making choices for your voice and body and energy that will allow you to perform the next show, or if it is your first show on a Monday, then the next 25 shows.  

Back to LOTR, since that’s what I’m watching these days, and Ian McKellan.  When we see him for the first time as Gandalf the white, in his eyes he remains distant.  And yet he is connected to something, something beyond Middle Earth.  At the same time he keeps a tiny bit of focus on Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas.  When Aragorn says his name, McKellan brings another level of focus back to his eyes, “Gandalf the grey, that was my name.”  But he remains out of body still.  It is only when he himself says, “And I come back to you…” and then he blinks and is full there, “at the turn of the tide.”  This moment reminds me of Christ appearance to Mary at the tomb when he tells her not to cling to him that he has not ascended to the Father.  Then later he allows Thomas to touch his wounds and he eats with the disciples.  


This kind of work must be such fun for an actor.  I have neither the discipline nor the skill.  For one thing, I don’t need that skill in what I do.  I almost need the opposite skills – casting a wide net to draw in a large live audience and keep them connected without over performing.  Over performing leads the audience to feel nothing, to engage only their eyes and not their feeling.  

Secondly, I don’t think I could do it.  I’m not disciplined.  I like to engage broadly and widely. I also love multi-tasking. As I perform I’m thinking about where the sun is going to come out, how to engage the audience, how the pace is, how to get that couple standing behind me to shut up without embarrassing them, that my shoe doesn’t fit, if that moment didn’t get a laugh I need to bring in something quickly that will… On and on.  On film you really can see it all.  I can’t imagine that they have the luxury of thinking of their grocery lists while doing a scene.  

It is one of the many reasons that movie stars are a big deal -- what they do is truly difficult and there are few of them that do it so well.  For an incredible example watch Sean Penn’s performance in Dead Man Walking – his eyes are dead and disconnected while he defends himself, then watch the change when he has a conversion moment,  moments before his execution in the conversation in his cell with the Sister.  

More Clare and Alice

A few years ago I saw this book and as fascinating as it seems, the thing that I really loved was the picture of these two old birds. It's me and Clare -- or what we hope to be one day. Clare is the slender, inviting presence with perfect posture and I'm the folded into the couch, with the sharp pointing finger.
No really this is who we are. Just ask anyone.

John Donne, Holy Sonnet I

Well, hopefully this is a sonnet that will not make Clare blush, since she is my readership. This whole blog thing is kind of like Clare and I are standing in a shop window, having our normal relationship, and allowing people to wander by. Wonder if anyone is looking in! Hope we're not shocking you but knowing Clare & I, I think she'd prefer if we were.

I.

THOU hast made me, and shall Thy work decay ?
Repair me now, for now mine end doth haste ;
I run to death, and Death meets me as fast,
And all my pleasures are like yesterday.
I dare not move my dim eyes any way ;
Despair behind, and Death before doth cast
Such terror, and my feeble flesh doth waste
By sin in it, which it towards hell doth weigh.
Only Thou art above, and when towards Thee
By Thy leave I can look, I rise again ;
But our old subtle foe so tempteth me,
That not one hour myself I can sustain.
Thy grace may wing me to prevent his art
And thou like adamant draw mine iron heart.

Into the Fray

Our son is mouthing off to his teacher.  I’m in a state of shock.  He is being pretty impossible and I’ve never seen this kind of unacceptable behavior from him.  Now I’ve seen plenty of unacceptable behavior from him, just not this sort --   demanding, refusing to do his work, insisting on his own way.  I keep trying to remind myself that he was just in a car accident and that this week his parents are in high stress mode finishing out the bankruptcy, Tim’s first show at the school he started working for in August, and me in rehearsals for Epcot’s Holidays Around the World.  I’ve got double shifts all week and only one day off, the day of Tim’s show.  

The other thing I need to remember is that in his school career (he’s nine and has been in class of some form since he was 2) he’s had only three days of bad behavior.  They just happen to be the last three days in a row.  We have closed in the ranks, coming in close around him, asking him to express his frustration in appropriate ways, forcing him into emotional conversations, taking away TV privileges, and on it goes.  

I'm not terribly worried about who he is down deep. There is something so amazing about Henry’s character and I love seeing his true self come out in his choices.  After the first bad report, I asked him to write a letter of apology to his teacher and this is what he wrote:
Dear Mrs. Pierce,
I am very sad now.  Thank you.  I am sorry.  
Love, Henry.  

This is his character.  This is what is in his heart.  I didn’t tell him what to write, that is who he is.  

The every exhorting Stacy reminds me that all this is good.  Some of the autistic behaviors Henry has exhibited in times of stress have been really horrible (and unsanitary) so trying to control his life by expressing his frustration is a huge step forward.  The thing to do, as I have done with the more disturbing issues, is to give him good tools and make the tools he’s using as unsavory to him as they are to me.  

Speaking of good tools – my soothing behavior of watching LOTR ad infinitum seems to be helping me relax.  Can we talk about Boromir’s death?  Such a brilliantly acted moment that Jackson used it in all three films!  And is there anything better than seeing someone in full repentance mode?  When Sean Bean’s Boromir comes to and realizes what he has done to himself and to the Fellowship by trying to take the ring, his response is to run.  Run full tilt into the battle to save the other hobbits.  Blow the horn of Gondor and run towards the battle!  

Too revealing?

Isaiah 1:
3 The ox knows his master,
the donkey his owner's manger,
but Israel does not know,
my people do not understand."
5 Why should you be beaten anymore?
Why do you persist in rebellion?
Your whole head is injured,
your whole heart afflicted.


Ah yes, I realized that if I'm going to share my study with you that I'll have to share my answers too! Whoops, hadn't intended to be quite that open. Oh well, I will say this -- I am striving in the Lord today to remain at peace. He controls the time. And my life this week is all about timing -- the timing of the bankruptcy trustee returning our car titles, the timing of Tim's car being returned or totaled, the timing of Henry not getting sick at school from nerves re: the car accident(his response to stress is hurling at his desk), timing of my rehearsals for new shows and Tim's first show with the High School he teaches at. So I am looking to His extended hand during my stress, my rebellion and my desire to control.

I love these verses from Isaiah 1. I hear Him say how tired He is too of the pain in my life, the pain of life. It makes me want to rest. It makes me want to say, yes, Your plan for cars and jobs and copyrights and bankruptcy trustee and my dad's helping hand, and Henry's stomach are better than me trying to 'make it all work.' My working it out is so, so momentary and His purposes in this are forever. Hallelujah!

Here's what the Irish Jesuits have to say for prayer today:

I ask for the grace to believe
in what I could be and do
if I only allowed God, my loving Creator,
to continue to create me, guide me and shape me.

Yikes! Jesuits and the Pope mentioned in one days blog?! Calvin 4ever!

Isaiah I

When I was a group leader in Bible Study Fellowship, in addition to answering all our daily questions and keeping in touch with our groups, we needed to outline the passage of the week by doing Homiletics.  Homiletics is a way of outlining Bible passages that leads to being able to preach on the passage.  I actually do Homiletics as a hobby, to keep my mind busy, like crosswords.  Also, I love to grab hold of Scripture.  So over the summer I felt strongly that I was to do Homiletics on the book of Isaiah.  What?!  Isaiah?  Too depressing.  But God persisted and I really enjoyed it. Even though it was really hard -- in two months I got through only five chapters.  

As we move into Advent, my favorite season, I’d like to do some Bible Studies and advent mediations.  So leading up to that, I’ll post my Isaiah Homiletics.  You will see the subject (SS = subject sentence) which if you opened the Bible, you should be able to flip to the passage just by looking at the SS.  The theme, what message you would preach and what you would want the audience to receive (CTA= Cause the audience).  Finally you’ll get application questions for each section of the passage.  When you read the questions in light of the subject and my theme, you’ll experience what God was revealing to me through the passage.  You can answer the questions prayerfully and discover what God is revealing to you.  

So grab your Bible and spend a little time in Isaiah.  

Isaiah 1
SS:  The Lord speaks to Israel’s rebellion, offering redemption and consequences.
Theme:  CTA to hear God’s heart of love and promise of goodness in hard circumstances and rebellion.  

I. Isaiah 1:1-19 The Lord Speaks to Israel’s Rebellion
     When have you felt like Israel – confused and devastated?
     How has God kept you safe in trying times?  
     What is it like to experience your own rebellion and still see God’s extended hand?

II. Isaiah 1:10 – 20 The Lord Mourns Israel’s Wickedness
     Have you gone beyond ritual obedience to enjoy deep communion with the Lord?
     How has God called you, invited you, into deeper fellowship?
     Have you ever done all the right stuff for God and still felt something missing?     
What is that missing piece?

III. Isaiah 1:21 – 31 The Lord Promises Israel’s Restoration
     What has restoration looked like in your own life – a smooth transition or a burning mess?
     Have you ever cleaned out a garage, gotten rid of everything & purged it clean?  How did you feel?  Empty? Relieved?
     What do you long for God to set right in your life?
     What would it take in you to go through a ‘setting right’ process with God?

The Bridge at Khazad-dum

The Bridge at Khazad-dûm

What delight and joy it is to watch Ian McKellen’s performance in Lord of the Rings.  This is my treat to myself – watching the movies and the Appendices over and over and over.  And then I watch them again.  I am re-watching them now, not only as my annual event, but also as a soothing comfort as we finish the difficult years by closing out the bankruptcy.

You won’t find a discussion the caliber of Jan the Maven’s Harry Potter insights here, but I must say what I feel, as an actor and a believer, when I watch this great work unfold before me.  

I read the Lord of the Rings in High School and my gang of friends, we named our clique The Clump, saw the terrible movie that came out in the 80’s.  We delighted in singing ‘Where there’s a Whip there’s a Way’ and ‘Frodo of the nine fingers.’  

Basically, I read non-fiction and the Bible.  The only other books I read were and are fantasy books.  I don’t read a lot of them, instead I re-read several  books.  Once a year I read Madeleine L’Engle’s Wrinkle in Time, Norton Juster’s The Phantom Tollbooth, and Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.   Now I have added to my lexicon, the Harry Potter series and, thanks to Will Sera, Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, especially the Witches.  Oh Granny Weatherwax!  I want to play that part so badly, almost as much as I wanted to play Sam in LOTR when I was in high school.  

The LOTR movies mean so much to me.  The years they came out were some of the most difficult years I’ve gone through and their arrival in the theater, followed by the yearly release of the DVD special edition of each one, those dates actually kept me going.  They became a focus point – just make it to the next movie and somehow that became a threshold to cross on to the next wave of triumph and difficulty.  They provided the release of emotion and the images of hope I craved.

So The Fellowship –

I tend to feel, as most do, that the Hobbits are us, mortal creatures who care about our bellies and our retirements; the elves are the angels, other worldly immortals who are fascinated by our earthiness.  I think the dwarves are the like the prophets.  I imagine that Jeremiah and Jonah and Isaiah were as cantankerous and as pushy.  The men seem to be kin to the leaders of our world, the people gifted and called and even placed, by God in special appointments to care for those of us for whom dealing with our bellies and planning for our retirement are just about as much of life as we can handle.  

But in Fellowship, the movie, it’s all about Gandalf for me.  I knew he was a Christ figure when I read them in high school but Tolkien isn’t doing a straight allegory here, as Lewis did with Narnia, so there is not a connect the dots from Scripture to LOTR.  In fact, I would argue that there are several Christ figures in these books.  
It is even more moving to me that non-believers portrayed these characters with such depth and dignity.  Ian McKellen’s pure enjoyment of the hobbits warms my heart.  I see his face and his laugh and think of how my Father looks on me and my little dances and songs.  So adorable, so darling these little ones of mine, says McKellen’s Gandalf.  

I sob heaving sobs when Bilbo snipes at Gandalf and Gandalf rises, giving a glimpse of his true nature saying, ‘Do not think me a conjurer of tricks….’  Oh my Lord!  How often I treat the Christ as only my personal Savior.  There to make me feel better or to help me pay the rent, and if He’s “late” with his provision how I pout and whine.  I forget that He is no conjurer of cheap tricks, but He is One so Holy, that the name written on Him can be known by no one but Himself (Rev.19:11.)  

And of course, I simply wail at his facing of the Balrog at the Bridge of Khazad-dûm; really, he’s amazing.  The fear, the determination, the suffering, the pain, the resignation, the moment when he believes he’s given enough, and then the acceptance. He is the keeper of the flame of Udun and the evil beast simply shall not pass.  It is thrilling to hear it.  I just can’t stop thinking of my dear Lord’s face.  His agony in the garden, His words to His friends to tarry one hour, His blessing to the thief, and His direction to His mother from the cross.  I’m so grateful for the performance and for the loving care McKellen gave to an icon of Christ.  

I’ll talk more about Boromir’s death and my favorite, The Two Towers, and a bit about the Return of the King.  What is it about icons?  That will be a longer discussion I’m sure.

Clare Roches

Clare sent this in from the Roches album Zero Church.
Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical,and self-centered;Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, People may accuse youof selfish, ulterior motives;Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank,people may cheat you;Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,they may be jealous;Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,people will often forget tomorrow;Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,and it may never be enough;Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,it is between you and God;It was never between you and them anyway
We were told that this prayer was written by Mother Teresa and inscribed on the wall of her orphanage in Calcutta. However, Sister M. Nirmala M.C. at the Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta wrote to us and said that she did not write this prayer. Another source said that this poem was found by Mother Teresa's bedside when she died, written in her own handwriting. It remains a mystery to us.
This poem was given to us by Bill BowersAuthor unknown
music by Maggie and Suzzy

Give anyway

Every mother is like Moses. She does not enter the promised land. She prepares a world she will not see. -- Pope Paul VI

Where did I read this quote?  I don’t know but it seems orthodox to me.  Isn’t this so of almost every relationship we have?  We give and offer towards someone, something, and can not control their response or what will grow out of our giving.

I AM

So, in ongoing fun, Tim and Henry were in a car accident last night. Hmmm. What does this mean? Henry is alright, Tim's back is hurting, the car is a wreck. The car that the bankruptcy estate wants to take. The 1995 Oldsmobile Cutlass, whose passenger door fills with water when it rains. Fascinating.

It sure does look a lot like a Job life. And it used to be one. Lay-offs, brain tumor, autism, marriage trouble, financial trouble. Each little thing used to add up, and like laundry strung on a line, they hung there. All one terrible tragedy, with little bits piling up daily.
Then the healing came. I don't know how He did it but somehow, the healing has come and now each of these events are separate.
I will talk, some other time, about how I came up with my life philosophy of 'Wrestle with God, not about Him.' Because that is what I used to do. I railed and screamed. I challenged His choices. Told Him I hated His choices. But never questioned where they came from, always knowing He's in charge.
Now the healing is here. Sure I am, and was, upset about the car accident. Grateful that Henry was protected and safe.
The conversation goes like this:
"So, this is how You are enacting your plan? The one that gives me a future and a hope?"
No real answer.
And then I pray the good prayers --
for healing for Tim. For lawyers and insurance people and bankruptcy trustee and sixteen year old red-light runners.
And then I pray the grabby prayers --
"Deliver us, O Lord, from this time! From this pain! From these needs!"
And the answer is,
"I am"
At first I think -- You are what? What are you DOING?
And then I think on His choice to reveal who He is to us, through Moses.
"Tell them that 'I AM'."
Not, I was. Bhudda was.
Not, I will be. If I try real hard I can attain inner peace. If I'm re-incarnated enough times, I'll get there.
No.
I AM.
and I love this name.
And I am so grateful that He was, He is and He is to come.

John Donne, Holy Sonnet X1V

HOLY SONNETS.

XIV.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

The bad bad blogger

The bad, bad blogger

Well, I have forsaken ye, only for a while.  But never in anger.  I’m doing a massive project for a church website (all the copy) and loving it.  But my head is swelling under the details and every half hour I stop writing to run out and do a show.  We had lovely, cool, sunny, perfect Florida weather today.  We are packed to the gills here in Orlando – many folks visiting family and theme parks while power is being restored in South Florida, plus our regular guests.  

I have to say how thrilled I was.  Clare told me she clicked on some links from the folks who commented on my blog and found fabulously exciting Christian sites.  I had no idea there were comments.  I’m very disappointed that my haloscan isn’t telling me the number of comments there are.  Must fix.  Don’t understand how to.  Oh well.  

Here’s one of the cool sites she found:  http://www.maybe.org.uk/cms/scripts/page.php?site_id=mb&item_id=40bySiSmith

That link will lead you to a beautiful…well, cartoon, on Christ’s 40 days in the wilderness.  I was particularly pleased to see some connection to the Church of England, being an old Episcopalian myself.  When we lived in Sweden we either attended the American Lutheran Church or the Anglican chapel.  The Anglicans were so lovely and they had the most beautiful church.  We bopped back and forth and finally Ken Nelson and his wife came from some mid-west state in the U.S. to lead the American Lutherans.  We loved Ken and his bride.  I can’t believe I can’t remember her name.  That was almost 25 years ago. My mom and I went to Moscow from Stockholm, right after the Olympic Boycott in May of 1980, and Ken and Judy!  Aha!  There it is, Judy!  They were on that trip, and then they came to Sweden and were the first people to really pastor me in the faith, other than Sunday school and being a kid.  It was my first steps in my faith, taken there in the chapel of a downtown hospital or at Ken and Judy’s apartment.   I am missing my life in Stockholm terribly right now!  
It is probably the humidity and the bankruptcy.  My husband and I had to declare bankruptcy and the trustee is upset with us because of…my book.  That’s right.  I might be lying about my Christian book and how much it could make.  

Salt in the wound, I got my statement from my publishers which says that there are only 1400 more books to be sold and in the five years it’s been on the market, it has not made back its advance.  But Rick Warren watch out!  The Creative Life could gain on you any second.  

I am not sure what will happen with the bankruptcy estate but I covet your prayers.  For those of you that know me, it is my worst moment.  I know, you’d think autism, marriage separation & near divorce, Tim’s brain tumor, the church falling apart in San Antonio, job loss, coming home to live with my mother, back to my old job….  But no.  Having to stand before an authority and tell them I haven’t been able to fulfill my obligations, having the authority tell me that they think I’m lying to them about my assets…really, truly my hell.  

No wonder I wish I was back being a diplomat in vackra Sverige (beautiful Sweden.)  It’s more than just IKEA, you know.  Check it out. http://www.sweden.se/