Carrying your cross

Carrying your cross

On Sacred Space (Irish Jesuit link to your right) this week and last, is a lovely opening about carrying your cross.  The writer talks about himself and his own personality being his cross – his shyness, his awkwardness.  I found this very comforting, as what I grow most tired of is my personality: my good traits, my bad behaviors, my take charge personality, my fear of speaking out, my need to speak out… it all gets a bit boring.  But this is who God created and more often than not the solution to frustration is to be and do what He’s made for me to be and do.  

Today’s Sacred Space reading was from John 9, the man born blind.  This week at my non-denom church the preaching was on ‘Recovery of Sight to the Blind’, featuring John 9.  I even wrote much of the Bible Study for the week that went with it using John 9 quite heavily.  It was a hard study to work on, not because I didn’t get it, but because I knew, knew, knew God would say something to me.  Which He hasn’t yet.  Which is frustrating because when every thing I read is about the blind spot and I can’t see it…well, obviously, there it is.  

During the worship time when suffering as a part of faith was mentioned my friend Teresa, who sings with the band, was sitting in the dark on the platform waiting to lead the next song.  But I saw her eyes flash up and I knew she was looking at me and I agreed.  She and I worship together, though I never sing from the platform only in the congregation.  I love this very much.  I love being connected to her and a few of the other singers and leaders.  Sometimes the Spirit gives me insight to know when a passage or a song is particularly speaking to one of them and consider it my privilege to lift their arms so that they can lead the rest of us.  I know that these same friends know when something is being called out to all of us, that they are hearing a special note for me in and they will look to me and we agree in prayer as we participate in worship.  

I thought also of my friend D, who years and years ago gave me a book filled with paintings of Jesus.  I gave that book to Teresa and they use the images on the screen in worship still.  So since I couldn’t see my blind spot, I prayed for ol’ D and his children and his wife.  I had a terrible and wonderful feeling that one of his children will dedicate their life to Jesus and that will be his moment.  

It is amazing to feel the strong No of God, the pressure of my cross, and yet to think, “Oh my friend, you must meet Jesus.  He loves you and wants to lavish that love on you.”  And in the same sentence to feel that I must also say, “and my loving Jesus has decided that the best way to love me is with a big bouquet of suffering.”  

It won’t always be this way for me.  But while it is, it is so, so important for me to say so, even while I say “Run to Him, He is lovely.”  Because I don’t particularly care for happy endings.   I like good endings though.  I never ever want to discount that God has said NO; firmly and sharply NO to me. Regardless of what good ending comes next, it will not discount that this was and is hard.  I never want to forget Who He is.  He is good.  He is powerful.  He is righteous.  And He doesn’t give me good things so that we can have a happy ending.  Because this time is good.  And so will the time of easier things be good.  Regardless of whether things are happy or not during either time.  

Last week I finished working on a huge project with a writer.  I hope that it will be produced and millions will see it.  But if only he and I, and the 2 people who have the power to produce it are the only ones to ever read it, it will change our lives forever.  Because there are some ringing lines of truth in it that have that kind of power in them.  When he sent it out this writer said to me, “Well, I don’t know if it’s good but I know it is beautiful.”  Amen to that.  

Speaking of Beautiful

Speaking of Beautiful

For those of you keeping score, Henry won first place, in both of his heats at the local Special Olympics this Saturday.  Last year when Coach asked if he was going to participate I said, “As what, the announcer?”  (He is a showbiz child.)  But Coach assured me that he loved running and was doing well in PE and should compete.  So he ran the 25M & 50M dash.  

True to his showbiz nature, as he runs, when he goes by the stands, he turns his head from the goal and flashes a fantastic smile to the cheering crowd.  But he keeps on running.  And he got 2 blue ribbons.  We, who are not at all athletically inclined, are very proud and happy.  When asked by the firefighters about his win he quoted Homer Simpson and said, “Holy Crap!”  

Jeremiah 7:23-28

I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you. But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward. From the time your forefathers left Egypt until now, day after day, again and again I sent you my servants the prophets. But they did not listen to me or pay attention. They were stiff-necked and did more evil than their forefathers.'

"When you tell them all this, they will not listen to you; when you call to them, they will not answer. Therefore say to them, 'This is the nation that has not obeyed the LORD its God or responded to correction. Truth has perished; it has vanished from their lips.

World with out end, amen.

We were all in time-out yesterday.  Henry decided that playing computer games does not necessitate taking bathroom breaks, so after he cleaned everything up, he was asked to sit at the kitchen table for ten minutes.   All three of us gathered around the kitchen timer, during which time he alternately cried and giggled.  Our job was the get him to confess and bewail his manifold sins, using words.
“Henry.  You need to tell Dad what you did.”
“Nope.  Your time is up.”
“Henry, you need to say in words ‘I pooped in my pants and I am sorry.’”
“OH!  There’s the buzzer.”
“Henry, use your words and tell me what you did wrong and then you need to apologize.”
“Let’s all close our eyes.”

So we all closed our eyes, thinking he needed anonymity to confess.  Instead, he turned the dial on the timer towards zero, with the most self-satisfied look on his face.  

Barb & her quizzes!

You scored as Aramis. You are Aramis, the Musketeer priest. Two natures war within you: one full of high-minded ideals and the other a sensualist. Your love life is an art form, and you are a Romantic who places great importance on the perfect date. Sometimes you manipulate people and events a little too much, but your heart is good nevertheless.

Which Dumas character are you?

Vision for Life

Psalm 116:12-14

How can I repay the Lord
for all his goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of
salvation
and call on the name of the
Lord.

I will fulfill my vows to the
Lord
in the presence of all his
people

Chocolate Cake

I really don’t have too much to say these days.  
Henry turned 10 last week and I’m working on accepting this.  He wanted a bike.  We picked out a neon-yellow one with training wheels and a blue helmet.  He rode it all around the Wal-Mart and I was very impressed.  

We went for a long ride with him to the park.  He was so exhausted that he wanted to stop at Miss Morgan’s house on the way home.  When she wasn’t home, he sat on my lap, buried his head in my neck and cried.  So the cycling is good for him, non?  

He survived the birthday trauma (every year he gets sick to his stomach during his birthday party.  In fact during anyone’s birthday party, he usually vomits) and his teacher believes that the real issue is the song.  He has very sensitive ears and it’s possible that the pitches and intonations are just too much for him.  

We did make cupcakes and send them to school, which went over very well.  Then we had cupcakes at home.  He wanted to have a surprise party just like Arthur has for Miffy.  So we turned out all the lights and lit the candles on his cupcakes and he came out of his room and yelled, “Oh my gosh!  What’s a birthday party with out all my friends?  What a surprise!”  

For you GFCF folks, here’s the greatest recipe for chocolate cake.  It comes from Lisa Lewis’s book, ‘Special Diets for Special kids.”  Wheat cakes aren’t as good as this one, but then I’ve read that rice flour is often used in pastry and cakes.  

Black Magic Cake

1 ¾ Cups           White Rice Flour (don’t use a GF blend, use white rice flour)
¾ Cup               Unsweetened Cocoa (Hersheys & Godiva are GF)
2 Cups               Sugar (yes, you read that correctly, TWO CUPS OF SUGAR!)
2 tsp                Baking soda
1 tsp               Baking powder
1 ½ tsp           Xanthan Gum
1 tsp               Salt
Combine the dry ingredients in one bowl.
In another bowl combine the wet ingredients:
½ cup               oil
1 Cup      Brewed & cooled black coffee (I recommend decaf for your autistic child)
2 Eggs
1 tsp      Vanilla     , GFCF by Frontier (regular Vanilla is made w/ alcohol, and so has grains in it.)
1 Cup     Milk Substitute (Rice Milk or Soy Milk)
1 tsp      Lemon Juice

Combine wet and dry ingredients until blended. Pour batter into greased pans.  9x13 sheet or two round 9” cake pans, Bake at 350 for 35 – 40 minutes.

24 Cupcakes bake at 350 for 20 – 25 minutes.

Toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean when they are done.  

Recipe for icing is in my archives.  

The Producer

So, we’ve talked about the Artist and The Visionary and now I’ll talk about great producers.  The producer puts legs to a vision and gets it to work.  
I’ve got permission to relate a small and funny story from Morgan.  Recently, Morgan was taking her children to visit their great-grandfather.  Because she is an excellent cook, Morgan always brings meals to her grandfather’s house, as he is a recent widower.  On a recent trip she decided to take beef stew, but wondered how to keep it fresh on the 8 hour drive.  So she finished cooking the stew in the crock pot plugged into the car lighter.  When she told her dad about it, he said that Morgan’s husband Dave gets the genius award.  When she protested, “It was my idea.”  Her dad wisely pointed out, “You’re a good dreamer, but the genius award goes to the one who figured out how to do it.”  

The Artist has an idea and a desire to create something.  The Visionary sees how the idea fits into the bigger picture and motivates the artist along.  The Producer figures out how to do it and then gets it done.

I think it all boils down to the personalities involved in your group/organization as to which is your leader: artist, visionary or producer.  Sometimes a producer type is the one who inhabits the visionary role, a visionary with great ability to make things happen.  Sometimes it is a great dreamer who inhabits a visionary role – in which case, to get things done you need a powerful Producer who loves to make things happen.  

Take a look at Trading Spaces on TLC for some interesting examples.  One of their new carpenters, Faber, is in a producer role.  The carpenter is supposed to produce the vision of the designer.  But Faber is more of an artist in a producer role.  He takes their designs and adds to them, or purchases material that would only work in his vision of the design.  For Visionary types like designer Doug, this is a real conflict.  Doug knows what he wants and can make it happen and wants an Amy Wynn working with him, who will execute his design brilliantly adding only things that execute it more effectively and beautifully.  Faber’s add-ons are more in line with Faber’s vision of the design.  

Some producers who have interpretive abilities work well with a Creative Director who has a more free form style.  Hildy loves working with Faber, because her ideas are so out there, that an Amy Wynn has trouble getting it onto paper and into a room.  Faber on the other hand says to Hildy, “Oh yeah, I see what you want, if I made it out of this or took your idea and made it round instead of square…”  And Hildy oohs and ahhs.  When Faber does this to Doug, Doug always says, “No. It’s a round table.”  

God provides the perfect leader/organizer vision always.  He has a plan, and a purpose; He sees how all the pieces fit and what this one work will influence, and He guides me towards that vision.  I have a bit of producer in me, I get things done or know how to tell a team what to do in order to meet a goal.  I also have a bit of artist, ideas that I want to pursue.  For me the best hierarchy is:
Vision (Visionary or not)
Creative Director (Leads all in the vision, unifies the work)
Producer (makes it happens, pushes the Creative Director)
Artist (executes ideas, performs the work)

When the producer is above the creative director, things can get very task oriented and you loose beauty.  When a creative director is with out a producer, things tend to not get done.  Myself, I like to be in the Creative Director role, with a very Amy Wynn/Kathy Wallace (for those who have ears to hear) type producer who knows how to manage and budget and make things happen.  The Kathy Wallace type will always challenge your direction, with the goal of you refining it.  

I have been in the artist role for many years, and if there is great direction and producer/stage management I still enjoy it.  Although, I think my own visionary abilities are maturing to the point where I need to be in leadership roles more often than not.

Remember Beauty

I’ve been to a bunch of churches, across the country, in the last few years that use power point and video during worship.  Our brothers and sisters are also doing quite a bit more than just typing the bulletin these days; they are creating four color glossy brochures.  And all of this is good and fine.  I’m for it.  

I remember having a discussion with my worship director several years ago in which I truly didn’t know what he was talking about.  He asked me what I thought about the way we did one of the songs – so I went on & on giving my opinion & critique and thoughtful praises.  He just looked at me like I had three heads – “I wanted to know what you thought of using film underneath the lyrics.”  Oh.  Well.  Hmmm.  It wasn’t even a question for me of should we or should we not?  I thought we were all there, using moving images in worship.  It was a done deal for me.  

So now that we really are all there, let’s not forget beauty.  
I’m not talking about art or high art.  You can use art work if you want in your worship service.  You can use clip art if you prefer.  But keep in mind the purpose.  

A pianist friend of mine tells the story of being in an audition when a diva tenor turned to the accompanist and said, “I know the melody.  I’ll sing the melody.  You play something else.”  

Funny, and you’d think that the story is about what a diva the tenor is, but I use it as a reminder of beauty.  Remember the old motto for writers: Show, don’t tell.  Well, it’s true for graphic design as well.  Don’t play the melody – play something else.  
Graphic design, well done, leaves room for my imagination.  It takes images and colors and pictures and evokes a feeling, giving me room to engage my emotions and for me to hear something beyond what you are telling me.  I might actually hear from God if you give me room.

But when you give me the information in a word and then put a clip art picture of that word right next to it, all I can say is, “I know the melody.  You play something else.”  

I was working with a client recently who told me that they wanted their website to be for information.  They were shocked when I told them that the web was about relationship and connection.  “No, it’s not!  Who can have relationship with a web page?”  You can imagine how far I got with this client.  Generally speaking, when I’m brought on board, it’s because people want to make a change.  They feel a tug and need someone to pull the boat from the dock and get them moving.  

Information is about information. API pictures are about conveying information.   Communications are about relationship and connection.  Design is about connection and engaging an audience.  Don’t forget the purpose of communicating using words and design – it is to lift the eyes upward, to give room for a person’s response, to evoke a response from them, to engage and to connect.  It is not to convey information.  


I’ve been cautioned about high art and told – that will be above congregants heads, they won’t get that.  Okay, maybe.  There is a church, a rather large church (enormous in fact) that will not play music in minor keys because it might discourage the worshippers.  Sigh.  I do understand the desire not to do something for a select few.  Art may be that.  High hymns by Bach may be that for your congregation.  But beauty never is.  Beauty is for everyone.    

Oswal Chambers for March 6

Diana sent me this yesterday, as I wrestled with Henry turning 10. Feeling very end of an era -- the era of discovering and battling the autism. When he was 5 I felt led to pray for his healing for 5 years. Well, here we are. Henry is amazing and who knows what has been healed and what is still healing. But the drudgery of autism remains. Poor guy couldn't even eat his breakfast this morning. He tends to get sick to his stomach when birthdays are mentioned. I'm sending 3 sets of extra clothes to school along with cupcakes.

Anyway, Oswald is always worth reading, but this seemed particularly helpful, as it connected with my thoughts on Vision and on my feeling of being at the end of all things (can you tell I'm turning 40 this year?)


AMID A CROWD OF PALTRY THINGS


". . . in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses." 2 Corinthians 6:4

It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. It takes far more of the grace of God, far more conscious drawing upon God to take that step, than it does to preach the Gospel.

Every Christian has to partake of what was the essence of the Incarnation, he must bring the thing down into flesh and blood actualities and work it out through the finger tips. We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task. The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. Continually get away from pettiness and paltriness of mind and thought out into the thirteenth chapter of St. John's Gospel.

Get Rhythm

I know one of those durn gay cowboys will win on Sunday, but Joaquin is just incredible as Johnny Cash.  The way he nods at the audience, the laughs mid-note, the relating to his band during the song.  I always loved that about Johnny Cash – he’d be playing in front of stadiums worth of people and he’s just as casual as if he was singing on porch somewhere.  

Every artist should watch the Sun Records scene in Walk the Line.  That should definitely be the orientation video for every one of those American Idol contestants.  Sam Phillips asks JR Cash if the gospel song he auditioned with was the song Cash would choose if he lay dying on the side of the road to sum up how he felt about his time here on earth.  Sam says he didn’t believe JR, just didn’t believe him.  And there it is.  The ‘I’m gonna shout it, I’ve been saved & feel peace within’ lyric just wasn’t what Johnny Cash had to say about his love for Christ, his faith in God, and his groaning from the bonds of this earth.  But Folsom Prison is what he had to say.  Folsom Prison sums up what original sin feels like – trapped, deserving it, hating the suffering, seeing there is something else just impossible to reach.  

For those that are still whining that Walk the Line doesn’t have enough Jesus in it, well neither does my life.  I don’t mention Him during shows, during conversations at work, when I’m doing laundry but He’s there.  He’s there.  He’s available to be seen and heard by me and anyone around me.  And if that doesn’t help you then watch the movie Hurt.  Hurt is a nine-minute movie of a song Johnny Cash recorded late in his life, in fact June’s in the movie but I think she died a while after it was released, maybe a year or two later.  It’s probably one of the most complete films and beautifully told stories I’ve ever seen.  And it’s the story of Johnny’s life, as told by Johnny.  June is barely in it.  But Jesus is a lot.  It will tell you how he felt about this life.  

Ode to the Originals

Ode to the Originals

For those of us that LOVE American Idol, and those of us that ADORE John Pelkey (so that’s like, well 3 of us that I can think of off hand, Joel, me & Clare) there is a special treat this year.   Taylor Hicks is to Idol what John Pelkey is to shows in Otown – dry and funny and original and true.   If John Pelkey were a blues singer from Alabama, he’d be Taylor Hicks!  

I love John Pelkey but I can’t work with him because I can’t stay in character or in the moment or even on the stage.  At some point in the show, he’ll be so dry and so realistic sounding that the audience thinks he’s asking a serious question and I am doubled over in hysterics.  Usually at that point, I try to gather myself together because now everyone is looking at me like I’ve gone insane, since clearly John is perfectly normal, and I try to go on and John will give me the dry sincere/insincere look.  And once again, I’m doubled over.  It’s happened every time I’ve been onstage with him.  John is married to the adorable Jodi, who is more than adorable really; she is lovely in her all her ways.  Jodi & John recently stopped by to watch a show that I was in, that sometimes Jodi is in too.  I could barely go on, just thinking of all the dry witty things John was probably thinking!    

I love Taylor Hicks on Idol.  Love him and Chris the cool rocker.  Because they know how to tell a story through their songs.  The others know how to sing notes.  Or sell to the camera.  Or neither of those things (God bless Kevin, but really now.)  Taylor and Chris – they tell me a story.  They tell me who they are and what they have to say through the notes and lyrics and songs they sing.  And I’m grateful.  

Which is why we must always listen to Simon.  He is telling them great things that will lead them onward and slice through all the fluff.  I’m getting a bit irritated with Paula this season because as usual, she just gets nervous about Simon critiquing anyone.  But it is the good and perfect balance – to have Randy and Paula encourage someone about who they are and what they bring to the show, while having Simon give clear commentary about what they need to do now.  Simon knows which ones can do more than sing – he knows which ones can communicate.  And that’s what we want.

So vote for the ones who have something to say, something to give of themselves. Vote for Chris and Paris and Mandisa.  And vote for Taylor because a vote for Taylor is a shout out to our John Pelkey for being original, and true, and great.  

Profoundly weak

Profoundly weak

I am feeling weak and tired.  I say this because I rarely say this.  Out loud, that is.  I ALWAYS say it.  Quietly.  To myself.  More often to the Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, all that is seen and unseen.  With whom I am quite put out at the moment.  I am tired and weak and feel that I’ve been so for long enough and am tired enough of it that I can’t even wail from my couch any longer, “How Long, O Lord?!”

And it occurs to me that me being tired and weak is a significant thing in the plan of our Lord.  Because I rarely am.  I rally really well.  The last time I felt tired and weak, the thing I did in response was start this blog.  Which required more of me.  

This is a normal sort of process for me.  I feel tired or angry or weak or lonely or down and OFF I GO!  And now I’m drained.  

I’m thinking about all the folks that have written about art and creativity and who have all said that once you produce a work or works, you are drained and you must be refilled.  I am working with a client right now who is prolific.  A prolific television & screenwriter, and playwright and he is tired.  And it is my joy to allow him to be tired in my presence and to speak his own words back to him or tell him what his words sound like to me a country length away from his world.  

I spoke with him at length about a little bit of nothing the other week.  And after I hung up the phone I said to my husband, “How am I helping him at all?!  I am doing nothing for this chap I admire and why does he want to talk to me?”

To which my husband answered, almost in one breath, “To talk things out with a creative person who respects and enjoys him and who just their tone of voice helps him to know if that idea is one he wants to pursue or not -- just like you do.”  

Very true.  Without talking out the idea, without hearing or seeing how someone responds, I have very little fuel.  It’s a fine balance – connecting with an audience or another artist to fuel you onward and relying on the audience or other artist and losing your own original drive for the work.  

Most often doing fuels me.  That doesn’t seem to be the case this season.  So I’m trying this, actually saying I’m tired.  We’ll just have to watch and see where and when the fuel arrives….