To Dream the Impossible Dream

I often find myself in impossible situations. I’m a doer and I tend to take on more than I can and say yes to things that seem doable in my mind but then turn out to be impossible in reality.

This was the case a few weeks ago when I prayed that our publishing company could produce 20 more books by year end. I got really passionate about some of the work that I was reviewing and some of the projects I was working on and wanted to see them published. So my boss and I prayer for those 20 books.

And then I started working on the 35 projects in front of me. And going to Disney to perform shows. And taking care of Henry. And setting up the schedule for fall for Henry’s sitter needs. And planning my own schedule. And cleaning the house. And leading a 4 hour creativity seminar. And making meals. And working with authors. And driving an hour a day. And I having a complete break down.

I got to a point where I couldn’t figure out what more I could do and how I could achieve, what I realized now, was an impossible goal. I prayed and walked and fussed. But still total overwhelming exhaustion.

I talked with Clare and she suggested that I:

a. talk to God with totally different language, in a way I hadn’t spoken to him before.

b. take a sabbath.

Both seemed like good ideas. Neither of us were really sure what talking to God with different language looked like, but I found out almost immediately. In thinking through what day I could take as a Sabbath, I just blurted out: I don’t want to take a Sabbath. I’m sick and tired of doing stuff for you! I want You to do stuff for me!

Well that’s different. I think I have a feeling or a sense and then I prepare a prayer request. Probably this one would have been: Help me know how take a sabbath, when to take a sabbath and give me the strength to do it. Instead the icing level came off and I was at batter level feeling.

The Answer I’d strained for so long to hear came right away. It was a laugh. Yes, a laugh. I heard a warm low laugh surrounding me. Then quite clearly, You asked Me to give you 20 books, I didn’t ask you to achieve that.

Oh. Ohhhhh. Ohhh! So it is impossible? An impossible task?!

Yes. One that you and your boss asked me to do for you and in you and through you. I Am the God of the impossible, not you.

Then I laughed. Well, I guess I can take a Sabbath then.

I Am not so sure. You are right -- you do keep doing things for me and I love, love your energy and your level of devotion in action. Love that about you. Made that about you. But I Am truly tired of your burnt offerings and your religious activity. As exhausted by it as you are.

Hmmmmm. Hmmm. So approaching You in a different way, being with You in a different way would right now include stopping the religious activity of Alice. A religion I’d set up and followed in order to ensure His response to me.

Which led to a Sabbath for pure joy of time spent with God and time spent allowing Him to restore me and led me not to take a Sabbath because it was a rule to be fulfilled that would please Him. Which led to me tithing for pure joy of it and for gratitude of the ministries who care for my body and soul. Not because it would force Him to open up the windows of heaven and finally bless me.

Which led to activities that didn’t look like creating 20 books. They looked like spending an hour going through some old paperwork and correcting it. They looked like talking to one author for 2 hours in a 4 hour day, instead of the 15 on my list. What they didn’t look like was frustrated,anxiety-ridden activities focused on getting stuff done that only God can accomplish. Because He’s going to do the impossible or tell me He didn’t or tell me why He didn’t or whatever. And my part won’t change which is to do whatever is put in front of me at the moment.

Seriously now

Last month my marriage ended in divorce and a month to the week later I had a mammogram. And then quickly after that, last week, another with an additional sonogram. And on Wednesday I'll be having a needle vacuum biopsy to take out a 5 mm crescent moon shaped something that has a tiny jagged edge to it.
I actually found it quite funny that my Job type existence marches on. For some reason it made it seem less personal. Sure, Sure Boss we do bankruptcy into a totaled car, a brain tumor into autism and divorce into biopsy, Sure, Sure. And then I had the simultaneous feeling of gratitude that my very first mammogram could reveal something that neither of my Doctors like and that they want outta there and real sorrow that my first mammogram revealed something that neither of my Doctors like and that they want to take outta there.
At work we've made some good attempts at humor -- "My Left Breast" won top honors at our inner sanctum comedy festival.
And some good prayers -- chief among those is that God would bind the matter, whether good or bad, in its 5mm crescent moon and that it would be removed in total on Wednesday. I'd love the Righteous to rise up praying this as well.

I've had a fair bit of trembling over Philipians 4:13 " I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." but not much when I remember that it comes after Philipians 4:6 - 7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

My co-worker Joanna prayed today that I would not feel alone. Which was good because what I felt was sad and lonely, but what I am is sad. I am not alone.

I am in the hands of the Living God, which has been my prayer for all of 2009. My life in Him rolls on, my feet on the edge of the promised land, me begging for the leeks and cucumbers of my slavery even while I strain to touch the massive grapes I see before me; they are so, so close, I can just reach my fingertips past the shoulders of these giants and glance by their red skin.

Henry's video

One of the great things about being the Body of Christ is understanding that other members can do things that you cannot.
I can hold babies all day long. Babies can pull my hair and it never hurts, they can rest their heads on my sternum and hear the rumble of a low chest voice. I love Babies. I can talk to pre-schoolers all day long. They know I'm serious and I take them seriously. Yesterday I had a lengthy discussion about Rice Krispy Treats and Soccer games with my neighbors children. Their father & mother got the car emptied out during the chat and Dad said, "You're so nice to them."

I thought about that as I got into the car, and thought about how not nice and not patient I am with grade school children. I have so little tolerance. I thought about how working at Disney World gives me a time and place to hold babies and talk to children and how I can't really do that in the airport or the shopping mall without being arrested. I thought about the times as the German Storyteller when little girls would get dressed in their Christmas finest just to come and be held by me and get their Christmas picture taken in my arms.

And that's what I thought about when I saw the children's ministry video in which I got to talk about Henry's experience with the volunteers who have poured into his life and the life of our kids at Northland. I thought about people who have time on weekends to give, time that I don't have to offer. I thought about how there are people called and gifted and led by God to teach elementary school children and how they actually do it. They actually take that time.
I feel so little sacrifice for the time I spend talking about Rice Krispy treats, it feels filling, not giving. It doesn't bother me at all to stop what I'm doing and chat with a pre-schooler, even if it makes me late for work.
And I thought maybe that's what people who volunteer to serve our Children at Church feel -- not the strain of the doing, but the freedom of giving what they have to give.

Children's Ministries Volunteer Video from Northland Media Design on Vimeo.